Coercive Control
A pattern of domination — not a single incident.
What it actually means
A pattern of behavior — not a single incident — used to dominate, isolate, and control an intimate partner. Coercive control includes psychological manipulation, financial control, monitoring, isolation from support networks, and using children as leverage. It is a recognized form of domestic abuse even when no physical violence is present.
Why it's misunderstood
Most people — and most courts — still equate domestic abuse with physical violence. Coercive control leaves no visible marks. It is often invisible to outsiders and dismissed as "relationship conflict." It is, in fact, the most dangerous and pervasive form of intimate partner abuse.
Legal status
Coercive control is now recognized in statute in multiple U.S. states including California, Hawaii, and Washington, as well as the UK Domestic Abuse Act 2021. Laws are expanding rapidly.
In Compass
Every tactic Compass identifies is a component of a coercive control pattern. The goal is to name the pattern, not just the incident.
Parallel Parenting
The correct model when one parent is abusive.
What it actually means
A parenting structure in which two parents share custody of their children while minimizing direct interaction and communication. Each parent operates independently within their own parenting time. Communication is limited, structured, and typically conducted through documented platforms like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents.
Why "co-parenting" is the wrong word
"Co-parenting" — the cooperative model — requires two good-faith participants. It cannot work when one parent uses communication and coordination as tools for continued abuse. Telling a survivor to "co-parent" with their abuser implies they have equal responsibility for the conflict and equal power to resolve it. They do not. The word erases the power differential that defines the relationship.
In Compass
Compass never uses the term "co-parenting." We use parallel parenting. This isn't a style choice — it's clinical accuracy.
DARVO
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
What it actually means
A response pattern used by abusers when confronted with their behavior. The abuser denies the behavior occurred, attacks the person confronting them, and reverses the roles — positioning themselves as the true victim.
Example
Survivor: "You violated the parenting plan again." DARVO response: "I can't believe you're accusing me of this. YOU are the one who makes everything impossible. I'm documenting your behavior and my lawyer is going to love this."
Why it's effective in court
An abuser using DARVO often appears calm, logical, and victimized. The actual victim — who has been psychologically conditioned to feel responsible — may appear emotional, defensive, or unstable. Courts frequently misread this dynamic.
In Compass
When Compass detects DARVO in a message, it names it explicitly and helps you avoid responding in ways that feed the reversal.
Coined by Dr. Jennifer Freyd, University of Oregon, 1997.
Gaslighting
Systematic distortion of reality to make you doubt yourself.
What it actually means
A form of psychological manipulation in which an abuser causes their victim to question their own memory, perception, and sanity. The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight. Clinical gaslighting involves persistent, intentional distortion of reality to make the victim doubt themselves.
What it doesn't mean
Disagreeing with someone. Misremembering something. Having a different perspective. Gaslighting requires intent and a pattern — not a single disagreement.
Why it matters in court
Gaslighting is a component of coercive control. When a survivor cannot clearly articulate events because their sense of reality has been systematically undermined, courts may interpret this as confusion or instability — not as evidence of abuse.
In Compass
When messages contain reality distortion, contradiction of established facts, or attempts to make the survivor doubt their own experience, Compass flags this as gaslighting.
Narcissistic Abuse
Psychologically sophisticated abuse by someone with narcissistic traits.
What it actually means
A pattern of abuse perpetrated by someone with narcissistic personality traits or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Characterized by: lack of empathy, entitlement, manipulation, exploitation, and an intense need for control and admiration. Narcissistic abuse is psychologically sophisticated — it often involves idealization followed by devaluation, intermittent reinforcement, and blame-shifting.
What it doesn't mean
Someone who is selfish, arrogant, or self-centered. Narcissism exists on a spectrum. True NPD is a clinical diagnosis. "Narcissistic abuse" describes a pattern of behavior — it does not require a formal diagnosis.
Why it's relevant in family court
Individuals with narcissistic traits are often highly effective in legal proceedings. They are composed, articulate, and skilled at presenting a sympathetic narrative. They frequently file first, escalate strategically, and use litigation as a control tactic. Courts are not trained to recognize this pattern.
Post-Separation Abuse
Abuse doesn't end at separation — it changes its tools.
What it actually means
The continuation — and often escalation — of coercive control after a relationship ends. Tactics shift from direct control to using the legal system, finances, and children as weapons. Post-separation abuse includes: litigation abuse, custody interference, financial withholding, stalking, false allegations, and weaponizing the parenting plan.
The data
75% of domestic violence homicides occur post-separation. Separation does not end the abuse — it changes its tools.
In Compass
Compass is specifically designed for post-separation abuse. The parenting plan and court order, in the hands of an abuser, become instruments of control. Compass documents exactly how.
Litigation Abuse
Using the court system itself as a weapon.
What it actually means
The deliberate use of the legal system to harass, control, and financially drain a survivor. Tactics include: filing repeated motions, requesting unnecessary hearings, making false allegations that trigger investigations, extending proceedings to maximize legal fees, and using custody disputes as a vehicle for continued contact and control.
Why courts miss it
Courts are designed to treat both parties as acting in good faith. Litigation abuse exploits this assumption. A judge who sees frequent filings may interpret this as "both parents are highly engaged" rather than "one parent is using the court as a weapon." Research shows abusive partners file more motions and prolong proceedings — the purpose is control, not resolution.
In Compass
Compass tracks court document activity and flags patterns consistent with litigation abuse, helping attorneys see the campaign rather than individual filings.
Gutowski & Goodman, Journal of Family Violence (2023) — Legal Abuse Scale.
Reactive Abuse
When the abuser uses your reaction as evidence against you.
What it actually means
When a survivor responds — emotionally, defensively, or angrily — to sustained provocation by their abuser. The abuser then uses this reaction as evidence of the survivor's instability or aggression. The reaction is presented to courts, attorneys, and others as proof that the survivor is the problem.
Why it's a trap
Abusers deliberately provoke reactive abuse. They know that an emotional response in writing — a text, an email, a court filing — can be used against the survivor. The calmer they remain while provoking, the more effective the documentation becomes.
In Compass
When Compass identifies provocative tactics in a message, it specifically advises on whether to respond and how to respond without providing reactive ammunition.
Parental Alienation
A real concept — and a commonly weaponized one.
What it actually means (clinically)
A pattern in which one parent deliberately undermines a child's relationship with the other parent without legitimate cause. True parental alienation involves systematic, intentional manipulation of the child.
How it's weaponized against survivors
The "parental alienation" allegation is one of the most commonly weaponized concepts in family court. Abusers frequently accuse protective parents of alienation when those parents are attempting to protect their children from documented abuse. Research confirms that false parental alienation allegations are used to discredit domestic abuse claims and shift judicial focus from the abuser's conduct to the survivor's behavior. A 2024 Canadian study found that parental alienation allegations were frequently used to discredit domestic abuse claims in custody proceedings.
In Compass
Compass documents every instance of child-related messaging — including allegations — so attorneys can see the full pattern in context.
BIFF Response
Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm.
What it actually means
A communication framework developed by Bill Eddy for responding to hostile or manipulative messages. BIFF stands for: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. Designed to de-escalate, avoid providing reactive ammunition, and maintain a documented record of reasonable communication.
Why it matters
In parallel parenting situations, every written communication is potential evidence. A BIFF response documents good-faith communication while refusing to engage with manipulation tactics. Courts respond well to documented evidence of one party consistently communicating neutrally.
In Compass
Compass generates BIFF-aligned suggested responses for every analyzed message.
Framework developed by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., High Conflict Institute.
Grey Rock Method
Make yourself as uninteresting as a grey rock.
What it actually means
A protective communication strategy in which the survivor makes themselves as uninteresting and unreactive as possible — like a grey rock. By providing minimal, neutral, factual responses, the survivor deprives the abuser of the emotional reaction they seek.
When to use it
Grey rock is most effective when direct communication cannot be avoided (such as custody exchanges or required communication about the children) and when the goal is to reduce the abuser's interest in provoking a response.
Caution
Grey rock responses, while protective, can sometimes be misread by courts as lack of engagement or cooperation. Compass helps calibrate when to grey rock and when to document more substantively.
Trauma Bonding
A neurological response to cyclical abuse — not a choice.
What it actually means
A psychological response to cyclical abuse in which the victim develops a strong emotional attachment to their abuser. Caused by intermittent reinforcement — cycles of abuse followed by affection, remorse, or normalcy. The bond is neurological, not a choice.
What it doesn't mean
Weakness, stupidity, or complicity. Trauma bonding is a survival response. It is well-documented in the literature on captivity, hostage situations, and intimate partner violence.
Why it matters in court
Survivors experiencing trauma bonding may minimize abuse, recant statements, or maintain contact with their abuser in ways that courts misinterpret as evidence that the abuse wasn't serious. Understanding trauma bonding is essential for attorneys representing survivors.
Flying Monkeys
People recruited — knowingly or not — to do the abuser's work.
What it actually means
People who are recruited — knowingly or unknowingly — by a narcissistic abuser to do their bidding. Named after the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz. Flying monkeys may spread misinformation, monitor the survivor, pressure the survivor to reconcile, or provide the abuser with information about the survivor's life.
In family court
Flying monkeys may appear as character witnesses, submit declarations, or contact the survivor on the abuser's behalf. They often genuinely believe they are helping — making them effective and difficult to counter without documented evidence of the pattern.
Hoovering
An attempt to suck the survivor back into the relationship.
What it actually means
An attempt by an abuser to suck the survivor back into the relationship — named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner. Tactics include: love bombing, false promises of change, appeals to shared history, manufactured crises involving the children, and threats.
In family court
Hoovering often escalates around court dates, custody exchanges, and significant life events. It may appear in the form of unusually warm or conciliatory messages interspersed with threatening ones — creating a documented pattern of instability that is itself evidence.
Complex PTSD (C-PTSD)
PTSD from prolonged repeated trauma, not a single event.
What it actually means
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder that develops from prolonged, repeated trauma — as opposed to a single traumatic event. Common in survivors of domestic abuse, childhood trauma, and captivity. Symptoms include: emotional dysregulation, dissociation, negative self-perception, difficulty in relationships, and hypervigilance.
Why it matters in court
Survivors with C-PTSD may present as emotionally unstable, forgetful, inconsistent, or unreliable — all symptoms of their trauma, not indicators of dishonesty or poor parenting. Courts are not trained to distinguish C-PTSD symptomatology from personality disorder. This misreading has direct consequences for custody outcomes.