BIFF Response
Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm.
What it actually means
A communication framework developed by Bill Eddy for responding to hostile or manipulative messages. BIFF stands for: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. Designed to de-escalate, avoid providing reactive ammunition, and maintain a documented record of reasonable communication.
Why it matters
In parallel parenting situations, every written communication is potential evidence. A BIFF response documents good-faith communication while refusing to engage with manipulation tactics. Courts respond well to documented evidence of one party consistently communicating neutrally.
In Compass
Compass generates BIFF-aligned suggested responses for every analyzed message.
Framework developed by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., High Conflict Institute.
Boundary vs Rule
A boundary is what you will do. A rule is what you're trying to make them do.
Common misuse
"Boundary" used to describe rules you're trying to impose on someone else.
What it actually means
A boundary is what YOU will do. A rule is what you're trying to make THEM do. You can only enforce boundaries. You cannot enforce rules on other adults.
Example
Boundary: "If you yell at me, I will end the call." Rule: "You can't yell at me."
How to apply it
Phrase your written communication in terms of what you will do, not what they must do.
Coercive Control
A pattern of domination — not a single incident.
What it actually means
A pattern of behavior — not a single incident — used to dominate, isolate, and control an intimate partner. Coercive control includes psychological manipulation, financial control, monitoring, isolation from support networks, and using children as leverage. It is a recognized form of domestic abuse even when no physical violence is present.
Why it's misunderstood
Most people — and most courts — still equate domestic abuse with physical violence. Coercive control leaves no visible marks. It is often invisible to outsiders and dismissed as "relationship conflict." It is, in fact, the most dangerous and pervasive form of intimate partner abuse.
Legal status
Coercive control is now recognized in statute in multiple U.S. states including California, Hawaii, and Washington, as well as the UK Domestic Abuse Act 2021. Laws are expanding rapidly.
In Compass
Every tactic Compass identifies is a component of a coercive control pattern. The goal is to name the pattern, not just the incident.
Complex PTSD (C-PTSD)
PTSD from prolonged repeated trauma, not a single event.
What it actually means
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder that develops from prolonged, repeated trauma — as opposed to a single traumatic event. Common in survivors of domestic abuse, childhood trauma, and captivity. Symptoms include: emotional dysregulation, dissociation, negative self-perception, difficulty in relationships, and hypervigilance.
Why it matters in court
Survivors with C-PTSD may present as emotionally unstable, forgetful, inconsistent, or unreliable — all symptoms of their trauma, not indicators of dishonesty or poor parenting. Courts are not trained to distinguish C-PTSD symptomatology from personality disorder. This misreading has direct consequences for custody outcomes.
DARVO
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
What it actually means
A response pattern used when someone is confronted with their behavior. The person using DARVO denies the behavior occurred, attacks the person confronting them, and reverses the roles — positioning themselves as the wronged party.
Example
Survivor: "You violated the parenting plan again." DARVO response: "I can't believe you're accusing me of this. YOU are the one who makes everything impossible. I'm documenting your behavior and my lawyer is going to love this."
Why it's effective in court
Someone using DARVO often appears calm, logical, and wronged. The survivor — who has been conditioned over time to feel responsible for the dynamic — may appear emotional, defensive, or unstable. Courts frequently misread this pattern.
In Compass
When Compass detects DARVO in a message, it names it explicitly and helps you avoid responding in ways that feed the reversal.
Coined by Dr. Jennifer Freyd, University of Oregon, 1997.
Enmeshment
The collapse of healthy boundaries between people.
Common misuse
Confused with closeness or love in families.
What it actually means
The collapse of healthy boundaries between people, usually family members. Individual identities blur. Privacy doesn't exist. Your feelings are treated as everyone's business.
Example
You can't make a decision without their approval. Your parent tells you what your siblings are doing wrong. Information shared in confidence travels instantly.
How to document
Note where your privacy is violated and who has access to your information without consent.
Financial Abuse
Using money as a tool of control.
Common misuse
Conflated with normal budget disagreements.
What it actually means
Using money as a tool of control. Restricting access to funds, sabotaging employment, creating debt in your name, or using child support as leverage.
Example
They "forget" to pay child support when they're angry. You have no access to bank statements. They threaten to stop paying for things when you don't comply.
How to document
Save records of every late payment, missed payment, and financial threat in writing.
Flying Monkeys
People recruited — knowingly or not — to carry out someone else's agenda.
What it actually means
People who are recruited — knowingly or unknowingly — by a controlling person to act on their behalf. Named after the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz. Flying monkeys may spread misinformation, monitor the survivor, pressure the survivor to reconcile, or provide the other party with information about the survivor's life.
In family court
Flying monkeys may appear as character witnesses, submit declarations, or contact the survivor on the other party's behalf. They often genuinely believe they are helping — making them effective and difficult to counter without documented evidence of the pattern.
Gaslighting
Systematic distortion of reality to make you doubt yourself.
What it actually means
A form of psychological manipulation in which someone causes another person to question their own memory, perception, and sense of reality. The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight. Gaslighting involves persistent, intentional distortion of reality — making the target doubt their own experience.
What it doesn't mean
Disagreeing with someone. Misremembering something. Having a different perspective. Gaslighting requires intent and a pattern — not a single disagreement.
Why it matters in court
Gaslighting is a component of coercive control. When a survivor cannot clearly articulate events because their sense of reality has been systematically undermined, courts may interpret this as confusion or instability — not as evidence of abuse.
In Compass
When messages contain reality distortion, contradiction of established facts, or attempts to make the survivor doubt their own experience, Compass flags this as gaslighting.
Grey Rock Method
Make yourself as uninteresting as a grey rock.
What it actually means
A protective communication strategy in which the survivor makes themselves as uninteresting and unreactive as possible — like a grey rock. By providing minimal, neutral, factual responses, the survivor withholds the emotional reaction the other party seeks.
When to use it
Grey rock is most effective when direct communication cannot be avoided (such as custody exchanges or required communication about the children) and when the goal is to reduce the other party's interest in provoking a response.
Caution
Grey rock responses, while protective, can sometimes be misread by courts as lack of engagement or cooperation. Compass helps calibrate when to grey rock and when to document more substantively.
High-Control Behavior Pattern
Psychologically sophisticated coercive tactics — regardless of any diagnosis.
What it actually means
A pattern of behavior characterized by a need for control, lack of accountability, manipulation, and intermittent reinforcement. This pattern often includes: idealization followed by devaluation, blame-shifting, entitlement, and an inability to accept responsibility. You may have heard this called "narcissistic abuse" — that term exists and is widely recognized by survivors. Compass focuses on the behavior pattern rather than any clinical label, because the behavior is what matters legally.
What makes it hard to identify
High-control behavior is often sophisticated. The person using it may appear charming, composed, and reasonable to outsiders — including courts. The tactics are deliberate and often invisible until you understand the pattern. Many survivors spend years being told they are "too sensitive" or "difficult" before they recognize the pattern for what it is.
Why it's relevant in family court
People using high-control tactics are often highly effective in legal proceedings. They tend to be composed, articulate, and skilled at presenting a sympathetic narrative. They frequently file first, escalate strategically, and use litigation as a tool of continued control. Courts are not trained to recognize this pattern — they are designed to treat both parties as acting in good faith.
Hoovering
An attempt to suck the survivor back into the relationship.
What it actually means
An attempt to pull the survivor back into the relationship — named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner. Tactics include: love bombing, false promises of change, appeals to shared history, manufactured crises involving the children, and threats.
In family court
Hoovering often escalates around court dates, custody exchanges, and significant life events. It may appear in the form of unusually warm or conciliatory messages interspersed with threatening ones — creating a documented pattern of instability that is itself evidence.
Information Control
Withholding or distorting information to maintain power.
Common misuse
Rarely named, often missed.
What it actually means
Restricting, distorting, or withholding information to maintain power. This includes refusing to put things in writing, claiming verbal agreements were different, or controlling who has access to documents.
Example
They refuse to text about parenting schedules. Every conversation is verbal. Later, their version is always different from yours.
How to document
Text everything. When they respond verbally, follow up with "confirming what we agreed: X." Then save it.
Litigation Abuse
Using the court system itself as a weapon.
What it actually means
The deliberate use of the legal system to harass, control, and financially drain a survivor. Tactics include: filing repeated motions, requesting unnecessary hearings, making false allegations that trigger investigations, extending proceedings to maximize legal fees, and using custody disputes as a vehicle for continued contact and control.
Why courts miss it
Courts are designed to treat both parties as acting in good faith. Litigation abuse exploits this assumption. A judge who sees frequent filings may interpret this as "both parents are highly engaged" rather than "one parent is using the court as a weapon." Research shows that in coercive control situations, one party files significantly more motions and prolongs proceedings — the purpose is control, not resolution.
In Compass
Compass tracks court document activity and flags patterns consistent with litigation abuse, helping attorneys see the campaign rather than individual filings.
Gutowski & Goodman, Journal of Family Violence (2023) — Legal Abuse Scale.
Love Bombing
Overwhelming early affection designed to create attachment before you can see clearly.
Common misuse
Any sign of early affection gets called love bombing.
What it actually means
An overwhelming flood of affection, attention, and grand gestures early in a relationship, designed to create intense attachment quickly. Often followed by a sudden shift to criticism or withdrawal.
Example
Constant texts, expensive gifts, "I've never felt like this" after three weeks. Moving fast on commitment. Then, after you're invested, it all stops.
How to document
If you've left and this was the pattern, it matters as context for why you believed what came next.
Narcissistic Abuse
A behavior pattern, not a clinical label.
Common misuse
Calling every difficult ex or self-absorbed person a "narcissist."
What it actually means
Abuse that follows patterns associated with narcissistic personality traits (not necessarily a clinical NPD diagnosis). It typically includes idealization, devaluation, and discard cycles, plus a need to control the narrative.
Example
The relationship started with intense attention and affection. Over time, small criticisms started, then bigger ones. When you finally left (or were discarded), they told everyone you were the problem.
How to document
Focus on behaviors, not labels. "He repeatedly claimed I was unstable" is documentable. "He is a narcissist" is not.
Parallel Parenting
The correct model in high-conflict custody situations.
What it actually means
A parenting structure in which two parents share custody of their children while minimizing direct interaction and communication. Each parent operates independently within their own parenting time. Communication is limited, structured, and typically conducted through documented platforms like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents.
Why "co-parenting" is the wrong word
"Co-parenting" — the cooperative model — requires two good-faith participants. It cannot work when one parent uses communication and coordination as tools for continued control. Telling a survivor to "co-parent" in this situation implies they have equal responsibility for the conflict and equal power to resolve it. They do not. The word erases the power imbalance that defines the relationship.
In Compass
Compass never uses the term "co-parenting." We use parallel parenting. This isn't a style choice — it's clinical accuracy.
Parental Alienation
A real concept — and a commonly weaponized one.
What it actually means (clinically)
A pattern in which one parent deliberately undermines a child's relationship with the other parent without legitimate cause. True parental alienation involves systematic, intentional manipulation of the child.
How it's weaponized against survivors
The "parental alienation" allegation is one of the most commonly weaponized concepts in family court. Protective parents are frequently accused of alienation when they are attempting to protect their children from documented harm. Research confirms that false parental alienation allegations are used to discredit domestic abuse claims and shift judicial focus from the controlling party's conduct to the survivor's behavior. A 2024 Canadian study found that parental alienation allegations were frequently used to discredit domestic abuse claims in custody proceedings.
In Compass
Compass documents every instance of child-related messaging — including allegations — so attorneys can see the full pattern in context.
Post-Separation Abuse
Abuse doesn't end at separation — it changes its tools.
What it actually means
The continuation — and often escalation — of coercive control after a relationship ends. Tactics shift from direct control to using the legal system, finances, and children as weapons. Post-separation abuse includes: litigation abuse, custody interference, financial withholding, stalking, false allegations, and weaponizing the parenting plan.
The data
75% of domestic violence homicides occur post-separation. Separation does not end the abuse — it changes its tools.
In Compass
Compass is specifically designed for post-separation abuse. The parenting plan and court order can become instruments of control. Compass documents exactly how.
Reactive Abuse
When someone uses your reaction as evidence against you.
What it actually means
When a survivor responds — emotionally, defensively, or angrily — to sustained provocation. The other party then uses this reaction as evidence of the survivor's instability or aggression. The reaction is presented to courts, attorneys, and others as proof that the survivor is the problem.
Why it's a trap
Reactive abuse is deliberately provoked. The person using this tactic knows that an emotional response in writing — a text, an email, a court filing — can be used against the survivor. The calmer they remain while provoking, the more effective the documentation becomes.
In Compass
When Compass identifies provocative tactics in a message, it specifically advises on whether to respond and how to respond without providing reactive ammunition.
Stonewalling
The silent treatment, weaponized.
Common misuse
Confused with needing space or introversion.
What it actually means
Complete emotional or conversational shutdown used as a punishment or control tactic. The silent treatment, but weaponized. It's not a need for space. It's a refusal to engage until you comply or apologize.
Example
After asking a reasonable question, you get no response for three days. Then they act like nothing happened. Or they only respond when you grovel.
How to document
Log the trigger, the duration of silence, and what ended it.
Trauma Bonding
A neurological response to cyclical abuse — not a choice.
What it actually means
A psychological response to cycles of harm in which a person develops a strong emotional attachment to the person causing them harm. Caused by intermittent reinforcement — cycles of mistreatment followed by affection, remorse, or normalcy. The bond is neurological, not a choice.
What it doesn't mean
Weakness, stupidity, or complicity. Trauma bonding is a survival response. It is well-documented in the literature on captivity, hostage situations, and intimate partner violence.
Why it matters in court
Survivors experiencing trauma bonding may minimize abuse, recant statements, or maintain contact with the person who harmed them in ways that courts misinterpret as evidence that the abuse wasn't serious. Understanding trauma bonding is essential for attorneys representing survivors.
Triangulation
Bringing a third party into the conflict to create pressure.
Common misuse
Confused with getting outside perspective or couples therapy.
What it actually means
Bringing a third person into a conflict to create pressure, jealousy, or confusion. Can be ex-partners, the children, co-workers, or family. The goal is control through complexity.
Example
"My therapist agrees you're the problem." "The kids don't want to be with you." "My new partner thinks you're crazy."
How to document
Track when third parties enter the story and what narrative is being pushed through them.
Walking on Eggshells
A nervous system pattern, not a personality quirk.
Common misuse
Treated as a personality quirk instead of a nervous system pattern.
What it actually means
The chronic state of monitoring another person's mood and adjusting your behavior to avoid their reaction. Not a feeling. A nervous system pattern.
Example
You plan your words before speaking. You check their face before answering. You apologize preemptively for things you haven't done yet.
How to document
Journal your own state over time. You're looking at your nervous system, which is evidence of their behavior.
Weaponized Incompetence
Strategic helplessness as a form of control.
Common misuse
Applied to any spouse who doesn't do household chores.
What it actually means
Strategic helplessness. Performing an inability to do basic tasks so that you do them instead. Often presented as "I'm just not good at that" or "you do it better."
Example
They've been a parent for 10 years but still "don't know" what the kids eat, where their doctor is, or when school starts.
How to document
Keep the emails/texts where they claim not to know things they've been told repeatedly.